


I'm Not Me

by 7000dominos



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fantasy Costco, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Multi, Other, Post-Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7, Spoilers for Episode: e051-057 The Suffering Game Parts 1-7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24350254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7000dominos/pseuds/7000dominos
Summary: "You're more than your ability to wield a dope-ass axe, my dude. Honestly, I kind of like you more this way. The new threads? Iconic."Taako tries to make a persuasion check against a Magnnequin on the team's last trip to Fantasy Costco, where all your dreams come true (got a deal for you!).
Relationships: Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch, Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch & Taako, Magnus Burnsides & Taako, Magnus Burnsides/Taako, Merle Highchurch & Taako
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	I'm Not Me

**Author's Note:**

> So, I started The Adventure Zone (six years late) right at the top of quaranTimes and have binged a good three years of story in the last month and a half. I started with the first few episodes, then devoured (most) of the rest, subscribed for bonus episodes, and purchased and finished both graphic novels in one day. I never, ever, ever, ever would have guessed I'd be writing a fan fiction (!!) based on a podcast (!!!) based on Dungeons and Dragons (!!!!!!) but here we are. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Some notes:  
> \- I love the podcast (obviously), but sometimes the need to keep things funny and moving forward means I don't get quite as much of the sweet nuance/characterization present in the graphic novels. This is meant to kinda bridge the gap hopefully maybe.  
> \- I listened to the last Lunar Interlude while out on a walk, heard the podcast version of this convo, and immediately knew I wanted more of it. This all came together in about 45 minutes, mostly in the Notes app on my phone, so please let me know if there are glaring errors!  
> \- that said, a few phrases are verbatim, but most kind of go the graphic novel route of paraphrasing with 200% more adorableness (I hope).  
> \- some spoilers through Wonderland and parts of the last Lunar Interlude, but I haven't actually finished the campaign (that's tonight!), so this might be an unintentional AU. Oops!  
> \- lastly, if you maybe found yourself here via my ~ongoing~ FFXV fic, oh my goodness, thanks for reading, I haven't abandoned it, I promise.

It was starting. 

The sinking feeling in his belly like he’d missed a stair in the dark. The sudden impact of his heart against the inside of his ribcage, redoubling until he could swear it was audible. Ice crept through his veins, freezing his limbs with a touch, forcing the bizarre sensation of paralysis beneath the agonizing need to move, to run, to _leave_ before anyone else could.

It had taken Taako a long time to understand what this was, this panic, this terror. He’d thought at first it was something he’d done, something he’d made and eaten maybe, though he knew now those were old fears coming to roost. He’d overreached or underreached and his body was betraying him, because that was what bodies, what _people_ , did. 

Now he knew better, or mostly better. He could recognize the fear, those early tendrils of dread, the utter certainty he would be alone again. He thought maybe his friends had taught him that, and what a strange little paradox that was.

Beside him, Magnus hadn’t moved, but Taako could feel him nearly vibrating with anticipation, straining like a dog against an invisible leash, like a child on Candlenights, just like he’d said. There was excitement in his voice - of course there was - and while it was hardly surprising, here it felt almost out of place. Almost painful, because suddenly Taako knew this couldn’t happen in precisely the same moment he knew that it would.

“Okay, well, hang on - “ he started, which was enough to break the spell, causing Magnus to lurch forward so suddenly, he nearly toppled over Merle. Merle, who’d quietly, perfectly, put himself between their friend and the man he’d been. So maybe they hadn’t all left yet. Maybe there was still time. Maybe they could convince Magnus to stay.

“No,” said Magnus. 

Orrr...maybe not.

“Nope!” Magnus repeated, his voice still alight with eagerness. And now something else, too. Interesting to think Taako could recognize it in others now. He wondered if his friends had done that, too. 

“What is there to wait for?” the had-been human went on. He hadn’t turned away from the orb yet, hadn’t so much as blinked. “I wanted, I _needed_ , a body, _my_ body, and that’s it, right there. That’s me! It’s perfect, right? Guys. How is this not perfect?”

“I mean, I can think of a _few_ ways...” started Merle. 

“Yeah, and I got at least a dozen more for you, my dude,” Taako said, surprised at how calm he sounded. “Let’s take sec and think about this.”

“I _am_ thinking - “

“Mhm, maybe you forgot, punkin, but we already told everyone you’re dead. We stroll back into the Director’s office with a brand new you, I don’t think we’re gonna be able to just bluff that one out.”

“We’ll figure it out!” The excitement, the eagerness was gone now, but Magnus’s tone hadn’t changed. His body, if it could be called that, had gone from vibrating to just sort of trembling. Almost shaking. The elf shifted a bit closer without meaning too as Magnus slumped closer to the floor. But he didn’t give up. Of course he didn’t. Idiot.

“Look, c’mon, guys. It's not that crazy. This right here...this is endgame territory, right? If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna want me, _real_ me, and there’s a brand new fresh one, right there!”

“Yeah, but... _is_ it you, though?” Taako countered. “I mean, it’s your body, and yeah, okay, we love that, it’s great. But _you’re_ you, my guy. Not that. That’s a...I mean, that’s not all that different than what your new body was before you got there. More splinters in this version, maybe, but those new threads? Iconic.”

Magnus didn’t laugh. He only said, “ _Those_ are the arms that have held my wife, Taako,” and the excitement was gone. The panic, the pleading had vanished. There was just a quiet, naked desperation, and then Magnus nearly collapsing, and both Merle and Taako fighting to keep him upright. And then silence.

Merle spoke first.

“Here's the thing, bud," he offered gently. "Those arms are gone. You know that." Both he and Taako politely ignored the way Magnus’s new body spasmed in silent grief. 

The elf took a breath and added, “He’s right, dude. And if you go this route, you risk losing her, too.”

“I’ve already lost everything.”

He didn’t shout the words. There was no vibration of vocal chords against the false wooden spine under Taako’s palm. But they echoed aloud as though Magnus had screamed them. 

“I can’t _feel_ anything,” Magnus said. It was, Taako noticed not-quite-idly, the first time the fighter’s voice had been truly unrecognizable since he’d unbecome himself in Wonderland. “Do you understand? I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. My heart doesn’t beat. My _whole life_ , I’ve fought to protect the people I love. And I can’t do anything for you like this. What am I if I can't do that?”

“Well, you’re sure as fuck not your body, my dude,” Taako said, and he found the words came easier than he’d expected. “Not to get all _Teen Vogue_ on you, or whatever, but if we were all just what we looked like, then none of us ever really left that place, y’know?”

“I lost an eye!” Merle added helpfully, his tone light, though he never took a hand from Magnus’s knee. “And an arm. Not to point any fingers. Since...well. You know.”

Magnus was quiet long enough, Taako started to wonder whether he should have led them here at all. Then Magnus looked up, somehow haggard even in this false form. 

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I know.” He exhaled, started to lift his one remaining hand as if to scratch at his beard - then stopped.

“Guys...I hear what you’re saying, I do, but...I need this. I _need_ to help. That’s, like, my whole thing. It's 'Magnus rushes in!' Not 'Magnus waits cautiously in the background because, oh no, scary fire.'"

"I dunno, dude, maybe you give staying behind a try. It's kind of chill sometimes."

"No. It’s my job to protect people, to protect you, and I can’t do that like this. You act like I’m dying if I - “

“You _are_ dying, dude! **You’re dying to _us_!**” Unlike Magnus, Taako had shouted, in a complete, bizarre, and somehow totally appropriate 180.

Both Magnus and Merle looked up, startled into silence so deep, Taako could hear his heart racing again. He swallowed and plowed forward before they could hear it, too. 

“I just don’t get how that isn’t penetrating your stupid wooden-ass dome, man. You do this, you don’t come back. Not as you. Not to us. You do this, there is no more Taako and the Takettes. Taako, Magnus, and Merle are gone. And maybe that’s cool for you, dude, but _we’re_ the ones saying goodbye.”

The words hung there in the air, undercut by the sound of Taako breathing like he’d come in from a marathon. Magnus stared until Taako had to look away, his eyes falling on the row of items Magnus had resold to that creepy warlock over their months together. Ended now.

He turned back when Magnus started to speak, and found his friend standing before the orb, one wooden hand pressed to its verdant surface. He found he knew what the other was going to say before he'd even opened his mouth to speak.  
  
“I..don’t know how to be me, how to be _anything_ , if I can’t protect you guys. You have to understand. This...it’s all I have left. Please.” 

“Yeah, alright,” Merle said after a while. “Okay. I don’t like this. I want that on the record: Merle is not on board. But since you guys never listen to me anyway...it’s your choice, bud.”

Taako watched the dwarf for a moment to find Magnus staring at him when he looked up. Just staring. Waiting. And Taako realized suddenly he would wait. If he asked, Magnus would wait. Maybe forever. And he suddenly knew he couldn’t. 

“You’re more than your ability to hold a weapon, dude,” Taako said. “You’re not a shield, Maggy, you’re a person. The vessel of the day doesn’t really mean shit when we’re all losing limbs and/or our stunning good looks left and right.” 

And here, Magnus smiled. Just a little. As near as he was able after everything they’d been through together. 

“I won’t let us lose any more limbs, friend.”

Taako nodded. “Yeah. I know. Do what you gotta do, my dude. But you better come find us. If we’re in charge of bringing Magnus back, it’s gonna be as Taako’s fucking number one fan. And personal assistant.”

At that, Magnus laughed. Just a little. But he sounded like himself. Mostly.

“Yeah, sure,” he said. “What's that, like a strength check?”  
  
Merle scowled. "Gee, I wonder who'll win that one."  
  
Magnus shrugged. "Well. People can surprise you."  
  
And he offered Taako a wink.


End file.
